Disapointing.

15 Oct, 2025

I've started having a new feeling as of recently. I've felt less anger and more disappointment. This disappointment is usually directed at myself and how I believe that "I could've done better than that". I've started feeling disappointed about my failures. Disappointed because I feel like I can do better but I can't put my full effort in for whatever reason. It definitely doesn't help that I purposefully surround myself in an environment with other incredibly smart people. When I don't understand something, I feel so much worse because I am in these higher-level classes. Though, I don't think I'd want to change them (for multiple reasons)*.

So, I am 100% the cause of my disappointment and it's almost always avoidable.

As seen in my entry on October 2nd, I beat myself up about something heavily when it goes south.

It's all my fault.

But for some reason, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I like being challenged but hate when it bites me in the ass.

So, yes, I get disappointed, but I get content when I master something.

And as long as I'm content, maybe these classes aren't the worst.

*And, shit, the AP exams are paid by the district so if I can take an AP class without worrying about paying for the exam, I'll 100% take that offer. Fuck CollegeBoard. All of my homies hate CollegeBoard. But at least I personally don't need to pay lol.