Confusing, Unrequited "Love"?
[ARGUABLY THE MOST OVERSHARING I'LL EVER DO... bleh]
I sort of wonder if I'm destined to live a life without love.
I don't particularly seek it (at least not in obvious ways) but I have felt the feeling.
I've had crushes in the past, two to be precise.
Both were guys. One was in sixth grade and the other was sixth & seventh (don't ask).
Though I don't know if I should count these... these were like... phases almost.
But what I feel now feels different. Like, I can't stop thinking about my current crush... or is it a crush?
I don't know what to feel about her (yep, first female crush).
Someone (a friend of her) had asked me if she (my crush) acted 'gay' (Yes, I know... this is an insane way to start thinking about this).
At the time, I didn't think much about it and just said 'I don't know" because... that would be the truth.
But that was sophomore year... and now I'm a senior.
So this might've been eating at me for two years... so what!
Anyway, I realized how much I enjoyed her company. I thought she was funny and lowkey pretty.
And come junior year, I had realized just how bad I missed her company (even though I joked I wouldn't miss her being in my classes; I vague vague vague about it in 011).
[OK. Maybe I should've mentioned this earlier but we got each others Discord accounts at the end of eighth grade.]
^ In Junior Year (the worst year of my life btw), I was (shamefully) reading our older messages and every time I did, they made me smile. Like I missed something so crucial.
Now I'm a senior, I share 2 classes with her again and I'm trying to put it all together.
I kind of imagined an idyll world in my mind where she was my girlfriend but not I'm getting hit with reality.
She likes guys.
So what am I to do but hide every feeling I could have ever had. It wouldn't work out anyway.
But I can't... partially.
It doesn't make sense. I have no clue if I like her or not...
[I remember searching 'hints someone might have a crush on you'... yeah... it was rough.]
I'm confused by my own feelings for her.
Maybe I should pass everything off as another phase. Something to be forgotten with time.
Why did I decide to climb down this endless spiral staircase?
And why can't I stop thinking about her?
Whatever...
^ I hope
Also happy halloween... lol this is such an insane post to make on halloween