it doesn't feel the same
christmas, i mean.
the past two years (2024 & 2025) have been life changing for me in the worse ways imaginable. i lost so much childhood memories as well as items i'll probably never get back. i don't want to get too much into it but what i will say is that my current situation makes me feel like something like christmas is futile, meaningless.
last year's christmas, i honestly didn't expect much yet was surprised my mom got me and my brother stuff.
this year, a few days before, my mom was talking to someone else how christmas will just be 'another day'
i shouldn't have cried.
it's stupid, right? it's childish almost...
yet i felt the urge to cry.
and on christmas day, i felt that same urge. of course, i hoped something would happen but i should've known better.
i wanted to say merry christmas but i knew it will never feel 'merry' to me again.
so i just stayed silent. (both online and offline)
i wanted to sleep forever... (not even die but just sleep... i didn't want to think about anything because i knew i'd cry).
even as i'm writing this now, i'm still crying. (i know, might not seem like it...)
to anyone that reads this, enjoy the moments with those close to you because you won't ever know what will happen the next year... or month... or week... day, hour, minute, second.
(i know it sounds cliche but both this and last year have made me realize stuff i likely would've understood but not understand.)