i feel trapped.

07 Jan, 2026

I have no clue how to regulate my emotions anymore. This blog post will make more sense if you've read Log 27.

I don't know what to do with myself. I posted that Log before I found out (and I'm pretty sure before it actually happened).

That person I mentioned has a partner now.

And of course, I want to keep talking to her as if it never affected me but it's difficult.

All of this is difficult.

I have no clue if I like her anymore. I mean, when I heard about it initially, it didn't phase me. But now, I feel envious.

But, of course, I have no fucking right to.

I've wondered if I should just distance myself from everything that reminds me of her but I find this to be difficult not only because of how we share classes but that we've known each other for basically over four years now. I, personally feel like I'll just keep getting trapped instead of trying to break free.

However, I don't want to.

So, I'm double trapped: I want to break free and push away all of my feelings I had for her (and in the process, distance myself entirely) BUT I can't bring myself to.

Like the wuss I am.

I feel AWFUL but I have no right to ever feel the way I do. I shouldn't! I shouldn't have ever felt this way about her. If I knew in my sophomore year that this would happen two years from now, I would've stopped thinking about the possibilities, I would've stopped searching in Google for tiny cues in someone's typing, I would've stopped analyzing her as much as I had, I would've stopped 'liking' her.

But it's far too late now, right?

It makes my throat hurt thinking about it. It makes my eyes tear up thinking about it. It makes me want to stop thinking about it. It makes me want to stop thinking. Forever.

I sometimes wonder if anyone would be concerned over my death. If I decided to end my own life, would anyone truly care? My mother and brother would I'd think, but would my friends care? Would it be expected because of how I typically act? Would it be unexpected? Would it matter to anyone? Am I just one less person to worry about calling during graduation?

Should I call it here?

I told myself I'd make new friends but it's so hard when I'm always stuck in the past. I always tell myself that the moments that matter the most to me are the most simple ones.

I played UNO in 10th grade with two of my friends and two other people I was acquainted (for lack of a better term) with. It was so fun. I hold onto the simple things the most.

Okay, sorry for going on a tangent but I have no clue what I should do.

I'm lost, I'm confused, I'm trapped.

I don't think I've ever gotten this personal about my own mental except for Log 20.

Sorry. To everyone.