Afraid to Age
As of writing this, I'm turning 18 in 6 days. 6 days.
I really don't feel like I'm ready.
I've been a child for all my life so this change is so very foreign to me.
[Albeit I still would consider myself to be a child after I turn 18 but like legally an adult...]
A part of me wishes I could replay all of the happy memories from my childhood and teenage years... Growing up into something I don't know if I can become is fucking scary.
A whole new set of expectations that I'm not sure I could fulfill.
One of the TV Tropes I relate myself with is "Glory Days" which is exactly what you think it is. Thinking about the past where everything was idyll... not ideal but idyll.
I went through life not ever expecting myself to make it to 18.
There were times I felt like I didn't want to be alive, yet I was too much of a coward [what I believed at the time] to actually do it.
Yet my 18th year of being alive is staring at me. Looking at me with the most menacing glare. Scarier than any person or animal could ever be. The closer my birthday gets, the more scared I am.
I don't get it. I should be happy, right? In a few months I'll graduate and start experiencing what life really is. But what is life? Why haven't I been able to find the thing that really makes me happy?
I've wondered if it's too late for me to make decisions once I graduate and all. I know it's not but I hate making a last minute decision. I hate being wrong about said decision. I want to know everything.
But it's all unpredictable.
However, one thing that is predictable is my birthday coming up in less than a week.
And, despite feeling afraid of aging, maybe I can hold onto that shred of predictability. I can cherish the thing I know will stay constant without being afraid of it changing.
I guess what I'm saying is that despite always thinking about the future, I should probably chill out and think of the present instead... because there isn't that much time until I graduate and I will likely never see some of the people I know from highschool.
So I'll look in front of me instead of looking behind.