i feel sick to my stomach
As of today, I graduate (as in the graduation ceremony) is two weeks from now. So why do I feel so sick.
Not physicially sick. Moreso emotionally sick.
And it isn't even in regards to me missing all of the people I knew in high school (though that is a whole other can of worms) but I just don't know what to do with myself. What do I want to be?
I tell people I want to do something in the neuroscience field. Not specifically brain surgeon but I enjoy learning more about how the brain works... mainly in a psychologically way.
However, I question whether I want to commit to being in college for at least 8 years (assuming I aim to get a doctorate degree). And when I think about it, that's when I feel this "sick" feeling. It makes me feel sick thinking I have to spend so long in college just to achieve what I believe is my "dream".
I worry whether I'd regret my decision half way through being in college and then the time I have spent would be completely wasted. I'm also unsure if anything would even go well once I end up finishing college. Will the economy be even worse by the time I get out? House prices? Gas prices? What about the state of the world environmentally...?
Not to mention I feel a need to do something that makes enough money considering my housing situation and economic state glaring at me for the past year.
I apologize to all of the people that care about me but I hate thinking about the future more than ever. I wish I can live in the present for the rest of my life where I can ignore every fear and doubt in my mind.
Or the past. The past would be better. No obligation to do anything. Where my biggest concerns were whether my drawings were good or not.
I've thought about it. Killing myself, I mean. It feels so pointless living in a world that seems to be at its end. I've thought about it even more recently. It eats away at me. It's not even in a sense of feeling like no one cares but rather a case of protecting myself before I become a soulless husk of what I am and used to be.
There is no freedom in life.
Sorry for this being my comeback since my last blog post in February.