uh... hi again.
i genuinely don't know how to come back after the last blog entry. i contemplated whether i should just... never post again! i mean, this isn't my only outlet or whatever so i could've left it as it was. however, i did feel like it was a bit insane to in the small chance someone actually cared about what i said in my last blog entry.
i'd like to pride myself on my dramatics. i do it a lot, especially here (and you will be able to tell if you read any of the entries with a mildly sad or depressing title, whether overtly or covertly.)
"public echo chamber" is a bit funny because i just haven't posted on here since. it felt like something i had to maintain and i don't have the brain power for all of that (and also again, i was being dramatic). i do sort of view this blog as an echo chamber of sorts but the way i portrayed my feelings in my last entry was sort of... i dont know? insane? more than usual, to be honest. i do struggle a lot with belonging in a place where i can feel truly accepted due to how i process relationships with people (online & offline) and i often decide to not speak at all in fear of coming across as annoying!!!
on tetratto, for example, i hardly ever share my interests on my main account. i just feel as if no one cares so i don't even put in the effort to see if that's true. when i see other people talking about their interests, i feel myself getting wrongly envious of people confident enough to talk about their interests without being worried of what other people think. i think a part of this is due to the way i struggle to convey my feelings as well as the fear that no one would understand me (because i also fear that). and also! i want everything i write to be as perfect as possible before i post it!! triple kill!
anyways, i wanted to post this mainly because i disagree with my last entry post. i'm still a chud, i'm still sad, i'm still a perfectionist, but i'm not making this an echo chamber (in the sense where all i talk about is the negatives about myself [hopefully]). i DO want to be able to grow but it has been so hard for me, especially in the past two years where all i've felt is sadness, despair, and everything in between. i won't get into the details here, but i feel like i have to hold myself up in order to live comfortably in society... and even then, i never can!! because i'm a black enby who happens to like both girls and boys and is fighting the terrible systems that america has put in place.
but... i wanted to say that i hope i can reform. i hope i can change. i want to, even if anything and everything feels hopeless.